Scared out of my mind with worry! AKA The Attack of Friday the 13th!

I went to my pain doc appt. today. Something I was looking forward to because I have been in a ton of pain. Anyway, he got my paperwork for my LTD (Long Term Disability insurance) and he is going to give the opinion that I can do sedimentary work!
I almost fell of the darn table with that statement.
I told him that I am not worried about my SSDI because I can give work a try and if it doesn't pan out I can go back on it. BUUUUUUT, LTD does not work that way. Once I go back to work, that is it. No more money. He thinks that it is because I have no desire to go back to work or as he put it, I have no incentive to go back to work. I would love to go back to work, but with all my meds and my health problems I feel I would be totally an unreliable employee.
So, right now I am totally scared out of my mind of losing literally half of my income, which we can't afford to loose right now. I called my psych nurse, my internist and my rheumy all of whom send reports to my LTD company as well. I have appointments to talk to my doc and rheumy but I left a message with my psych nurse, which she may not get until Monday or Tuesday depending if she is working on Monday because of the holiday.
I am a mess emotionally. Part of me doesn't even want to go back to my pain doc, but he has been so good to me until now. UGH!! Just one more thing to add to the fire I guess.

The virtues of Lidoderm Patches

This is one of those medications that I feel are under used. Just recently I started the patches. Basically I wear the patch at night anywhere I want for 12 hours and change it the next night depending on where I hurt most. My major question is why wasn't I given this medciation sooner? I have been given anything and everything under the sun from Tylenol #3 to Duragesic Patches and none of them worked for me. How could my doctors skip over something that is so easy to use and is NOT a narcotic????
Ever since I have been going to my Pain Management doc, I have been given medications that my doctors in the past could have given me, but I was given meds that messed me up physically and emotionally instead. Basically, what my pain doc has done is given me meds that are body wide that work like lidocaine. While it is true, I am NOT pain free, I function better than I have in a while. I can actually do a sink of dishes without my lower back killing my after 20 minutes. A BIG step for me.
So basically my question is, why do doctors go for the hurtful meds first instead of meds that are easier on the body and the patient? Why do I have to go to a specialist for this to happen?
Just a couple of questions to throw you guys out there.

Well, finally that time of year again.....

is ALMOST OVER!!!!!!
UGH! I try and make the doings of each holiday as stress free as possible but it seems each year I want to do less and less. Either I am getting more lazy or all this medication I am on is really making me drag my behind.
I used to go all out for the holidays. Making food for 8 people, presents, cards, tree...yada, yada, yada. Now it is just my husband and I and I barely want to do that.
Luckily the grocery stores are catering to the lazy and people like myself. Pre-cooked this, pre-made that.....its like a cornacopia of pre-packaging! Gotta love it! Hey for people with CP, it is just perfect.
So, who cares if you didn't make it from scratch, who will know if you don't tell them????
Have a great holiday....whichever you observe!

The don'ts of CP

Okay here are the major don'ts of being a CPer!

1) Don't forget to take your meds! Even if you have to break down and get a pill organizer. I forget did to take my nightly meds a couple of days ago and didn't realize it. On top of that I HAVE a pill organizer! I spent all day yesterday in a whirl of a mess trying to fight back from it.

2) Don't push yourself during the holidays. If you can't do it, don't! JUST SAY NO!

3) Don't force family or friends to understand the logics of being a CPer. Some won't get it, some will. I tried to get into contact with my sister after two years or so and I haven't heard from her yet. I was taking meds that changed my moods and personality and I am sad that she may not forgive what I said and did during that time, but I do understand and I can say that I tried.

4) Don't think that little things mean nothing. If something is bothering you either physically or mentally tell your appropriate doctors. They are there to help you and they can't if they don't have all the information.

5) Don't NOT enjoy the holidays! Enjoy them the best you can to your ability. If all you can do is a 10 minute family visit, do that. If all you can do is just have an intimate Christmas dinner with you and your close loved ones then do just that. Enjoy it the way you want to....even its just watching A Charlie Brown Christmas or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. DO IT!

6) Please don't let anyone get you down about your situation. If they make you cry, cry and let it go. They aren't in your shoes and don't understand. Just let it go like water off a duck's back. If they would say something like that to you, they don't deserve to be your friend anyway. If its family....take a break from them. I have had to do that and my mental health has been the best it has been in years.

CPers are a special group of people. It takes a person of special strength and presence of mind. We are of one mind. We understand each other. Reach out to others like yourselves. Find support groups in person or online to help you with your issues. Usually they have had similar siutations happen to them and can offer support and advice to help you.

I wish you all well.

My gift for messing things up

If there is one thing that I have learned from being chronically ill person is that I am bound to mess things up. Not by choice mind you, I never mean to, but purely by accident. What people don't mention about chronic illness is the insecurity you feel each day with the people around you and people you come in contact with each day. Each step I take I feel I am going to step on a landmine and destroy something. I did just that over the weekend.
Last Thursday was mine and my husband's 4th wedding anniversary. So as I do, I rush out get a gift and a card. I got nothing. So of course I internally start freaking out. We were planning to go out for dinner on Saturday so no biggie right? Wrong! I, of course, push the point that I have gotten nothing, not even a card for our anniversary from my husband. I felt forgotten. What I didn't know is that he was going to give me a very nice card at the dinner. So we had a big argument about how I "push" him into doing things that he doesn't want to do anything for me. Make sense? So of course I feel guilty for being a butthead and he feels forced to give me the card early.
Because of these insecurities I seem to mess things up at the most inappropriate times. I am trying to figure out why, but I may never know. I really hate being ill at times like these. I feel so alone and distant from everyone. Like no one gets it. I wish I could figure it out.